I'm sick of teen drama. I choose to take part in it anyway, so it seems.

The firefighters hose me down
I don't care, I'll burn out anyhow
It's four-alarm girl, nothing to see
Hear the sirens come for me
You doused my soul with gasoline
You flicked a match into my brain

everything is topsy-turvy from here. I'm not sure if I like being upside down, but one day I might be able to appreciate the view. at least the soundtrack's great.

I am so careful not to say the wrong thing. then it just explodes out in little fireworks anyway.

*EDIT* I forgot to mention...I GOT THE JOB! at esprit, in highpoint. go me. that was yesterday's good news. there isn't really an equal measure of good news to go with the shit I keep discovering but I think it will all level out (for me, not wishing bad things on other people) and I think each day passing, even if I don't fulfill the study quota, is a bit of good news in itself. stress, begone!

also, to those special few: I love you. I really, truly do. you know who you are.
to the other (very) few: I do not love you. but eventually, I think this will go away. I will forgive. not forget but certainly, in the future-times, forgive. not yet but eventually.

that's a pretty special thing that I don't want to lose. being able to forgive.

+ I have moved into the caravan a week or two earlier than planned
- I am not studying enough (It's never enough - c/o the cure)
+ job trial tomorrow morning
- I think I possibly may have done a very stupid thing
+ walnuts look like brains
- I am now sort of maybe a tad confused
+ I like walnuts
- I got the phone call confirming that I have definitely changed the situation around
+ I have sexy new sunglasses!
- I don't know if I want it to change
+ Sami came and stayed in the caravan. youtubing Japanese gameshows and people being scared is HILARIOUS
- the above hurts your ribs. a lot.
+ Sami has a car. a car that she drives me places in
- she woke me up with an hour long pillow-meets-head routine and stealing of blankets. all because I'd promised to shop
+ I have a gorgeous new maxi-dress thingy. silk. I repeat: gorgeous.

this list thing seems to be taking off. I always write pro-con lists when I'm trying to make a decision. I wish I'd retained some of them to stop me from reversing my decisions. Time changes everything I suppose.

there is this really cool thing on iTunes that makes you an entire playlist that "matches" a single song. amazing. it takes all the feeling out of mix cds.

It's almost time for some more adventuring - of the swashbuckling variety!
the building is there, waiting to be covered in my little beacon of hope. It will happen!

I agreed to go out with him, after exams. I know where this is headed. I need to be a bit more decisive I think. there's time for that too. I was talking to him in the wee hours of the morning (5am). from the roof. I found out why he has a lisp.
that sentence made this whole thing bleedingly obvious. and now you're curious...

everyone must visit my caravan! at one time or another. just turn up at the gate sometime and give me a buzz. I'll let you in.

oops. one-way conversation to person you have a crush on = bad idea? YES
falling in love with best friends is also a bad idea
unrequited love is, I think now proven imperfect. maybe it is perfect, actually. maybe that is why it is torturous.
anyhow, I left him a rant. so either....he decides I am charming although I talk a lot
or he realises I am a crazy and avoids me like the plague. which is not the preferred outcome, I must say.
well. exam tomorrow. eh. I will do it and that will be one down, four to go.
hurry fast, weeks ahead!
I got a job interview today - hurray!
it is on saturday, with esprit.
I also did some studying today. enough to be proud, just for the moment.

and wow. I quote "ooh a new interest, perhaps?"
right from the horse's mouth.

everything will be ok now.
I just have to...sort through the various knick knacks of us.

I have poems to post but I think I'll save them for a while. put them into Tiny Soldier 2.
wouldn't want to spoil the surprise!
so anticipate, anticipate the endings and the beginnings that are coming.
I have the feeling they'll make for good listening.

wow. I have such an urge to dance. right now. to the Kinks. 'cause he's a well respected man about town and he's doing the best that he can, so conservatively. yeah, right.
and oh. oh, I love this song.
the entire thing is with a little clinky, out-of-tune piano. so happy and melancholy, all at once.
who'd have thought anyone could do that with a miniature piano?

time to go finish the zine.
ooh, if you were unaware - I have dyed (well, sort of tinted) my hair red
henna'd it on saturday. just because.
I like it.

love, peace, sunshine and clouds.
anticipate my dress tomorrow.
it is incredibly too-much-showing-y
but I modified it
and I am proud.

ohmygod. oh. my. fucking. god.

what now?

where do you even go from here?

why are you making me choose NOW?

this new method being the best way to thin down the "catch up info" to absolute essentials.
3 fast facts about last night:
I got very drunk. VERY drunk. and screwed things up with monsieur even further.
I learnt something terrible. and I don't know why I am someone who needed to know.
I have started smoking. everyone needs a vice, right?

perhaps I'll put some lovely things down too because there was a pretty equal measure:
I went to the BEACH after my drama solo. and swam in the freezing water in my underwear. Hes was too chicken to come in and she got all sandy and took photos of beached jellyfish instead. Bec took ages to finally dive but, eventually, she did and she bought me an ice-cream as a reverse birthday present.
I went midnight swimming in someone else's pool. freezing. fantastic.
I am finally finishing tiny soldier 2. it has been a long time.

and I'm going to cheat and put a fourth one:
I fell in love with my friends all over again. they, you, make this crazy world and all the other things within it worthwhile. each of you has a different coloured lense through which to show me the world.
and it's beautiful.

intense release
mixed with confusion
and sobriety

some strange form of fury
some passionate listlessness
in your absence

in this subverted reality
I don't have to feel any more
mais encore, I have to think

and therein lies the problem

I am my father’s daughter,
You are your mother’s son
We swam and choked the water
And swallowed up the sun

my head's a balloon
and everything is hazy.

could we escape now, if we tried?

people are fickle
and cruel
and terribly, relentlessly, painfully
beautiful

you. you still make me cry
in your golden tower of blissful
isolation. hidden away in a world
of convoluted days
when dancing was the norm
and sunstripes chained your curls
unruly as they were

you. you still make me smile
with your sultry singing in lustful
admiration. hoarding every blue black piece
you righteously claim
when memory takes its place
and brazen quietly holds you
under wandering eyes

you. you still make me think
on your soapbox pretence of peaceful
contemplation. arrested within the stiff shape
of persevering views
when hearing words which stretch
and bending backwards croon sour
holding your self there

sometimes. you make me want to break things
to hurl china across rooms, across vast, empty universes
to see the satisfying smash
to hear the deafening crash
of metal-wood-breaking-plastic
falling into fragments. Littering
the floors.

sometimes. you make me want to forget things
to realise my name may not be my own, that we are all
some great joke, a plot
an imagined intention begot
in order only to please deaf ears,
filled with the whisper-shout chords of
a beat.

sometimes you make me want to yell and beat my fists
to scream until the sound fills the silence
and cowls the new dawn
stifles the interested yawn
of time passing, flying, strolling by
I am loud to stop your. silence
it’s deafening.

Shattered whole softly dripping
From the outline of my bursting ribcage,
Explode, implode, explode,
Each breath whispers of the last.








Sitting apart always together,
Folding into each unuttered weight
The weight. Of the wait.
We. Here. We. Hear.
The labour of every exhalation
The hidden truth, the silent discourse
The words that cannot stand alone
That refuse, obstinately, to show you
My eyes, willing your presence.
I, willing your presence.
The eyes have it.

Run through the crooked maze of my ventricles
Climb in through the window of my eye
Find the hole in my heart; spread your soft sweet tentacles
Settle yourself deep in memory as we fly

Through ripe and red capillaries
To the centre of it all
Marched by bloodstream auxiliary
To the breaking of our fall

Find my feet and read my lips

I. am holding your hand.
Eating your racing pulse,
Our fluttered ribs running askew
On table tops and mornings’
Buttered bread.

We. are still in the sand.
Building tower cities
Out of multititudes of prickling
Grains, for tiny people
We could never see.

You. are holding me down.
With the sharp caress
Of smothered breaths;
Of hardened, tender lisps
In half-cemented rooms.

They. are bringing us back.
To who we were before we are,
Seeing us watch nostalgia’s palm
Unfold, reach out and grasp
At our vanishing coat-tails.

She. could not have known.
Surely yet, she could have shown
Us the malady of our chaos;
That we knew not yet who we were to be.
That we were figments of our own imaginings.

He. could not have seen.
That to which we ourselves were blind
In thinking that we were the kind
Of loves who love but nothing else
Who need none other but themself.

The Cab driver on the way home
looked fondly back at us young lovers there, in the back seat,
smiled.
and asked "Are you two brother and sister...?"

When you speak
The words fall out
In a multitudinous tumult,
A cascade, of nonsense

They run, they leap, they fall.
They skin their knees, these words that please
And they find their way through the maze of my ears
To tell me what I already know

Yet when they stand and shake themselves
Into shape; into a neat line
With toes before and aft
Wriggling in their crooked following

I find I cannot draw my eyes from these
Mundane pieces of thought
These fragments of ordinance
Which take such shape and form before me

By the light of day ever more glorious
These words are living beyond their expectation
They are finding themselves anew,
Finding their way into my day; a perfect fit.



Somewhere a mountain is moving
I fear it’s moving without me
Holler when you hear me
I am here