I slept in, and I danced, as a "study break" (all-important inverted commas) all around the room, crazy-wild-free-spinning, and I got some stuff done. I don't really care any more. I just want out. and freedom, FREEDOM - which is on it's way. I will promise to try though. I promise myself that much.

we baked her a cake and went to see her. the cake didn't come with us. tomorrow it shall.
she was like a child. all shaky and jittery. nervous. distant. but she laughed and she talked. and she was there, somewhere. underneath the person I don't know, she was there. and I know she will be ok. I know she will be ok.

and then there was a question: who's avoiding who? You're changing. so much, you're changing. I keep repeating myself in circles of thought-words. I know why you're changing but I'm scared I won't know you any more. I'm scared my...you will cease to exist. I don't change, much. maybe because I'm all my selves and possible selves at once. either way, I'm still me. and you are...I don't know any more. maybe I still love all the ways you make me laugh and cry and your tumbled-floppy-silly self. the soft and the hard of your face and your breaking voice and the stubble and the freckles that I never succeeded in counting and the running lolloping hapinesses that were us. just maybe I do.

I am long gone. I am far away from here already. stuck in the future, where everything is excellent. right now is pretty excellent too though, really. and I think I can accept the changing and the past and the now in preparation for the future. no doubts. no regrets. we are where we are, and that's ok.

ok is a terribly useful word.
to end on an up note, I followed Chloe's suggestion. there is now a facebook group called "romantic cynics"
the cover is of a smiley dog, with the caption "confessions of a romantic cynic."
it's what came up when I googled "romantic cynic...."

thank you Alex for cheering my day, BEST EVER:
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=jRX5kH6IrkY

here are some nice pictures:
(this is an EPIC post.)