wow.

"The history of the twentieth century is the history of oil. Discuss. "

Suggestions? Comments? Entire essays?

Noticing a common theme? I find these lovely little pieces of peoples' love to hold onto, just as a reminder that I'm not the only person who thrills with the entangled capillaries and symmetrical beating of stitched-together ventricles, the collapse of limbs into one self and the merging of words, thoughts, tongues and hollow eyes filing with someone else's presence.


I was waiting. I'm still not sure what for.
But I'm not waiting any more. I'm settled. I'm rolling on. I'm finding some thread of something to focus on.
I'm refusing to vest all my hope in other people. Instead, I've remembered myself.

Also: friends are the best. They calmed me down after I had a massive panic about possibly having to pay RMIT for a course I'm not doing (still not resolved as of yet). Gabi gave me two tickets to Katie Noonan, so I got to have dinner with Ainsley, Flo & Lin, then see the show with Ains and get drinks apres with she and Max. Way to make my day.

so despite the fact that people suck...they're also pretty awesome. sometimes. mostly. almost never. nearly always.

 He is so fucking beautiful. Can I keep him?


We went bowling last night. Best fun I've had in a long time. Limbs flying, pins still standing, talking into the quiet hours of the night. Cookies, baked fresh that morning. Flight of the Concords. Snoring shapes all through my little happy house.

I found my joy again. I'm not sure how or why but once more I don't need anyone else to quantify it. I'm untouchable. I'm loveable. I'm laughable. I'm free again.

I want to keep him. I'm not sure I know how.

 He can't spell.

I like the extra strength and independence I've discovered, recently. I don't like that this is becoming extreme, that I'm heading back to the isolated Izzy that supports everyone else in an effort to forget her own thoughts. That covers every action with a counter-action so as to remain a mystery and a puzzle. That makes people fall in love with her so she can turn them away. That can't stand the idea of being close to anyone. ever. again. That holds up a facade, different though it may be, so that the underneath might melt away and disappear. We all do it though, don't we? Hold up a mask in front of our face, that says what we want the rest of the world to hear. The special people are the ones that can see through it.

I'm so careful and considered about what I say now. I'm creating a persona, gradually. All these new people can judge me instantly with the few facts available to them. They don't say anything about who I really am but these small fragments of a person, the person I project to the world, the person I pretend to be, are enough to solidify friendships and create a perfect persona that people can build upon within their own imaginations. Do you really know me at all? Does it even matter? Probably not.

I want to spread happy like butter, to everyone and anyone around me. I want to give people hope. I want to show them they still know how to imagine, help them rekindle their youthful idealism and make them believe that anything is possible again. I want to show people that walks in the rain and true love and pancakes are worth valuing, more than anything else in the world. I want to realise and remember every day why I surround myself with beautiful, crazy, intelligent fragile beings.

I'm not who I've been pretending to be, these past few months. The trouble is, I'm becoming this other person I'm not sure I like. And I don't know how to stop it.

It feels like I'm drowning again. In the past. In the future. The now is not solid.

I am doing Arts-Law at Monash. I just enrolled.

and in regard to the tangled web I can't seem to help weaving....I don't know what to say. eeep.
perhaps I'll be a hermit. that might just work.

 ( This was fun... )

 Tom Stoppard is a genius. I love my grandparents.

I cut my toe on a barbed wire fence.
I found out adrenaline makes me laugh uncontrollably and happens to be associated with select people and select memories, all of which come flooding back each time I discover something newly exhilarating.

I don't know how to tell vous I actually don't give a damn and I'm just not that interested.
I don't know how to tell tu that I'd really quite like it if you joined one of my adventures so I could write you into the pages of this book.

I went and looked at student accommodation today. It sucked. Sharehouses are the way to go.

I need to learn how to drive. Get that job. Do some stuff.
The more I say it, the truer it becomes.

Something is missing. But so much else is found.

 I am a cranky cat. I wonder what kind of smile the cheshire cat had, really. A grudging grimace? The smirk of the cat that's licked the cream? A dazed and euphoric nostalgic-throwback smile? who knows. I wonder what kind of smile I have. who knows.

Joanna Newsom makes everything lovely. EVERYTHING.
There is a Joe (mine, not Flo's). There is still James Dean.
I'm still here. Waiting and running and jumping and swinging and still here.

Where are you in the world? How's the view?

I think it might be a marmalade smile.
I love my friends. I love my caravan. Immah go watch Requiem for a Dream.

 I didn't sleep last night. I rode my bike to the Vic Market at 4am and had breakfast with the boys after work. Also,  I now have a rabbit. She's running around on the caravan floor trying to decide whether to hide in the box or explore some more. Her name is Lady Marmalade and she is the sweetest, most timid yet curious gorgeous little thing you've ever seen!
However, although I swindled Luke into promising to look after her for the 2 weeks I'm going to Bali very soon, a back-up plan would be ace. Anyone reckon they can handle my bunny for 2 weeks without getting her eaten? Seriously. 2 whole weeks of adoring a little fluffy thing. You even get to give it back after you get sick of it!

I met James Dean. Or possibly Chris Isaak.
This will be interesting. I'll keep you posted.
Alice Springs tomorrow! 6am wake-up! Yay!

I don't believe in karma.
I believe in lions.

( REOWWWRRR )

( For Flo... )

everything is back in perspective. last night I said (to some people I'd just met) "I feel so...at one with the world" I was rather drunk. but the life of the party, which is always fun. and I think I just contradicted the first sentence. oh well.

also: he's gay. and dated one of my other friends.
I was in denial. now I can't deny it. damn.
I am somewhat jealous though. also damn.

The happy, running-away pen says it all really.

we are FREE
to feel again, to run again, to lie about in the sun again
and everything is awesome
for once my optimistic prediction seems to be coming true

Also: my birthday party is very soon. if you have not been invited via facebook and you'd like to come, reply here and I'll send you the deets.
18 YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

One step closer to FREEDOM! 
Good luck to those of you who have more to go (i.e. me :D)
and WELL DONE! to those of you who are flying off and into the world, fledging hatchlets or something like that...

this might be the beginning of something:

I spin, I mock in the lusty singing of
your eye, see the vein of truth running through
the cursive script of capillaries
that whisper with thickening beats



( I finally figured this out! CLICK ME! )

today:
+ got new sandals
+ they are pretty & have double ankle straps
+ they fit my ankles!
+ got media practise exam done and dusted
+ pretty sure I know all the stuff I need to know for tomorrow's exam
+ had delicious iced coffee
+ got my contract & found out about pay
+ went for a bike ride
+ unscrewed-up my emotional syntax
+ got a day closer to the end & party times!

= I think I'm ready to knock these last few exams over and get on with it.
I remembered how it is to feel alive today, somehow. and it's beautiful.

We speak in the store
I'm a sensitive bore
and you're markedly more
and I'm oozing surprise




thanks to a softer world. for bringing on the LOLZ.